it seems that I am frustrated with 'needing to count' my breaths. it seems that counting my breaths as a way of practicing presence of awareness, and the return of awareness to presence, produces a feeling of frustration. Irritation. There is a sense of "am I not good enough?" "I have done this for so long -- am I still so inadequate?" It settles in my chest as a kind of urgency, and urging-forwardness.
today there were lots of plans and decisions which arose. it seemed there was a steady stream of plans and decisions. sitting is not the place to make a decisions -- a plan arose, a decision needed to be made for it. compulsively, I made the decision. = from whence the compulsion? = = what if i allow the request for decision to rest there unanswered? = sitting on the cushion does not seem to be the place to make decisions. it seems like it is not the place to formulate plans. So there is a seemingly relentless stream of plans, decisions, ideas, actions I could take -- I can let go of those, I can let go of them without furthering them, without making a decision, without saying yes or no or anything at all. They may arise, demand for involvement, and subside.
= Who is it that plans? =
= Where does a decision come from? =
Since this is a post-hoc account it seems to be helpful to describe two apparently different modes I tend towards in meditation -- uninvolved awareness and unaware involvment. in uninvolved awareness the thoughts arise, they exist, they subside, they exert their presence in the expanse of mind but they clearly Occur or Happen in the vast expanse of mind. In unaware involvement, it is unclear that the thought arises -- it is there, it is happening, it is the only thing that is happening and there is nothing going on outside of it. one thought becomes another becomes another becomes another . . . then there is a gap, and <I> return to 1, or return to my breath, and attempt to allow the thought a little bit of room, to allow some evidence of the spaciousness in which it Occurs to appear. This is more and less successful. There is no one "trick" to move from Unaware Involvement to Uninvolved Awareness. Why is it that "Trying" seems unhelpful, and "Trying Hard" only creates more irritation and claustrophobia?
= Thoughts, plans, decisions, are mental phenomena =
= Involvement in thoughts, plans, decisions -- this mental experience of involvement, is a mental phenomenon. =
= Don't all of these things happen in the vast expanse of Mind? =
= Can you "try hard" to let go? =
Perhaps, "trying hard" to let go is producing the sensation that something is sticky, hard to let go, that one must exert a lot of effort to let go of thoughts. That one must really try very hard to do so, that it's a heroic endeavour. What if one lets go of this feeling that thoughts are hard to let go of? (Just try and "Hold On" to a thought for as long as you can, see what happens)
If you'd like, (you) can post here as well.